I received a text from poldo one time that made me think that "why indeed can I handle those kinds of situations without breaking a sweat?"

We were discussing the issues we had among peers and workmates. and the question came up as to how I can handle awkward situations between myself and another person.

It happened ten years ago.

I had a best friend. We became friends because we were to outsiders in the school where fashion and boys were in and we were just happy catching grasshoppers in the field and singing nonsense songs at the top of our voices. She was the first true friend I had and I was happy that we met.

But for reason I do not know until now, come high school she stayed away. I will admit that I am a bit clingy to people so her absence made me wonder if I did anything wrong, someone please tell me so I can fix it.

Nobody did.

And now that I'm older, I realize that I didn't do anything wrong then. There was just something off there that nobody could explain.

What ticked me off that the fact that she stayed away from me, yet she would talk to my close circle of friends and skip me as if I was the bug on the table that is to be simply ignored and brushed off. I hated her ignorance, but my friends, wonderful people that they are, acknowledged my presence and made her feel that there is still someone who cares that I exist.

A lot of things happened between her and me, one being I told her to shut up during art club and she called me a bitch, and how people would tell her off when she butts into my conversation with other friends. That's when I knew that there's no pleasing her and if she wants to be that way then fine. You and I no longer have a friendship.

So when he asked as to how I can handle being in the same room as W, considering there were a lot of emotional baggages hanging in the air, I remember that old friend of mine and credit her 'relationship' for this strength of showing the world that hey, I can be just fine hanging out with you around. The question is: are you?

I do the same thing with other friends. Friends who seem to forget that you were friends when they make the people around you feel that you're under them when in fact you're equal and accomplish just the same amount of things considering I have a path whereas said friends seems to be still searching. I have a lot to say, but I don't say it. Let karma be your death.

There are different people in this world. Dealing with them is just one of those things you have to do.

I watched that star in the sky for a long time.

Once long ago, I was a star myself, dancing in the sky along with many others, happy to shine down on those who could not be with us.

I met a star who shined very bright, and showed immense power.

I stayed with this star.

But the star, with the wonderful brilliant shine did not want to shine for others. It only wanted to keep its shine for itself.

And I left it.

I continued to shine, but not as bright as before. I left that star, knowing fully well that it was not by my choice, but by it, and I did not but fight was it said. I just let it happen.

I just let it leave.

I decided to stop being a star and lived like mortals do.

Gazing up at the stars and longing to become one of them.

Every night, I watch my star, who shines so bright yet only gives off a little of it for those of us below. I wondered if that star ever thought of shining for another star, just like it used to for me.

For years I watched that star, who stayed in its spot while the other stars came and went. I would wonder things about it, thinking if it changed, if it evolved, if it too is thinking of becoming like those who watch the stars.

I still watch to this day, but I don't look at it with the same awe and longing as before.

Now, it is just a star, just like millions out there.

I can still single it out in the black sky. But it no longer holds any meaning to me

Before, I would cry, regretting what I did. To make the choice. To allow it to leave.

But now I cry, because I lost that feeling.

And the feeling of emptiness is very cold and cruel.

Like the sky. It is kept company by the stars that do not but twinkle in it. Only a little light, just to entice the sky, but never to give in completely.

I too, feel the blackness. And once in a while I feel the twinkle of my star, my heart, but after a while, it will lose its light and become the sky once more.

The sky is lonely. And I hope the stars will realize how important their presence is to the black abyss and the people below.

Today's adventure made me reflect on how life has unexpected surprises and that there are reasons for everything that happen.

This morning, I was originally scheduled to be in two places at the same time: a. ADMU for my MA, and b. CSQC for Saturday make-up classes.

At four in the morning, I get  a text from one of my bosses, that classes were suspended in CSQC. I rush down to inform my mom and tell my drowsy brother to go back to bed because you're in luck, school was cancelled.

Which made me start wondering about my MA class.

MA classes are different from regular classes. They don't suspend despite weather or holidays because some classes, like the one I'm currently taking, only meet for five whole Saturdays. Missing a class would be very inconvenient and a lot won't be tackled for the day. And as written in my syllabus, classes are classes whatever day it is.

So I head out, and bless my parents, they offered to take me to school. They needed to get a little grocery done anyway so they decided to head out to bring me. That was 8 am.  It was rainy and dark, but there was no traffic, no signs of flooding. It just looked like a really wet Saturday morning...or so I thought.

I wore my plueys, thinking it would just rain a teeny tiny bit then I would have to switch to flip-flops for the rest of the day. TOday turned out to be the ultimate test for my plueys.

They dropped me off, and told me to text so that they could wait for me in the event that the class suddenly gets cancelled. AGS was having their fair and the grounds were littered with families and little ones, braving the rain to enjoy in an otherwise damp school fair.

at 8:30 am, I was the only one there, until my professor entered and we began talking a bit. It's actually fun to get to know your professor. I forgot how fun it was to speak to someone you respect with a sense of equality and familiarity.

My classmates trickled in and voila, we were complete, sans one who was a non-credit participant. Our prof decided to pursue the class but I noticed she seemed distracted. The rain fell continuously and at 12 noon, we were allowed to go home. Four hours early, a good blessing.

I was already heading towards the gate when I bumped into Ahrren, a classmate of mine one summer who is currently a teaching assistant in the Educ department while she finishes some units. She asks if I was there for my advisement and I look at her and say "advisement ba today?" and she says "last day today." 

On a normal day, I would have probably panicked and make rash decisions on my subjects next course, but I decided to check, ask if I could come back another day, and maybe find a good schedule to move around my Saturday work in CSQC. So I did.

I am currently thinking of taking a leave next semester because none of my preferred classes are available and the one class that I could take is scheduled too close to all my Sat classes, including Family day and the Christmas party. For all the diplomas in the world, no way am I ruining my boys Christmas party by being absent. Besides, that's the one day I can get a ton of gifts which I can brag about to everyone.:P

After passing by the office, I bumped into sakurabaka who just submitted a paper. I was supposed to meet her after my class to enjoy the fair but with the rain and all, I wasn't sure at that moment. I was already texting my parents and at that time, my understanding was that they were on their way home. I figured, since I was going to have to go home on my own anyway I could spend a little time with Cherry before I left. So we had a little lunch, and I walked with her back to AGS.

AGS was packed. It seemed that, instead of getting stuck in traffic, the families decided to stay and enjoy the fair. Which was actually a good choice which I will get into detail later. I entered Cherry's room to dry up a bit and began texting my parents. I understood wrong, apparently, they were heading back to get me because they got my text that I ended early. They were going to meet me in front of Ateneo in 10 minutes. I bid Cherry goodbye and was off.

And Cherry, I hope you and your family are okay.

I was told to meet them by the overpass fronting ADMU that led to Jollibee. I walked my way, not really minding that all around my plueys, the water gushed and cars stood still on either side of me. I was a pedestrian, and on occasions like this, I didn't mind that I didn't have a car. It was easier to find alternate means of getting to places since there was a jeep, with its cheap flat rate, the LRT that has no traffic, or simply walking. I was smiling like some sick bastard under that rain. MY only concern was the laptop in my backpack, but I was told it was waterproof, and I HOPED that it was.

When I got to the pedestrian gate, I blinked.

In front of me, which was usually a bumper to bumper case of exodus, was an empty Katipunan avenue....waist deep in sewer water.

I called my parents and told them they would never pass, and that MMDA opened the U-turn heading back to Libis. They told me to wait by the main gate, so with a heavy bag, I continued walking in the rain.

I didn't feel wet, mainly because I knew my feet were bone dry. It was just that I didn't want to end up playing Quasimodo in the next Hunchback of Notre Dame remake because of my bag. I still dream of seeing five feet!!!!

When I got out there, traffic stalled. I stood there, with the wind blowing water down my neck, and my umbrella attempting to free itself from my grasp, it wasn't the way I wanted to spend my Saturday morning. Or any morning for that matter. My phone, bless it's ticking heart, was still letting me make calls and my load was still clicking. I felt secure.

Now that I write this, I realize that God was with me all that time, because as I recall myself, and with what has happened now that it is dark, a lot of things could have happened, but God saw me through until we got home.

I called my parents and they told me to start walking up towards the flyover to meet them. At least I'd be dry, they said.

And that...would probably be the first and last time I will trek Katipunan avenue and live to tell the tale.

I found the car and got in.

I felt warm and secure. My parents were there and there was food in the trunk. We didn't need to worry if we ever got hungry.

Then I saw our gas level.

We always fill up with just enough for our rides, what with gas prices sky-rocketing every month. It worried me that we would never make any gas station at the rate we weren't moving. My dad would turn off the engine everytime we stopped, and turned it back on to move another five feet. We did that snake like trance for around an hour until we got to the u-turn and got to the opposite direction of Katipunan. We pulled the car to the side and began planning our route home. Most of the other cars would stop in front of Mcdo and park along Katipunan island (as in the middle island separating north and south bound) so the otherwise four laner was reduced to a two laner of empty cars.

We decided to take Aurora, knowing that there was a gas station nearby.

It wasn't smooth sailing as we thought.

The traffic moved at a snail's pace, and we entered the project 2 side streets. Gas was really low and I was worried that we might have stalled in the middle and create an even worse case of bad traffic than original. We only needed to turn left and the gas station would be in sight, but a big truck was in our way and...the engine stalled.

I was freaked out. my dad started it up and it clicked. He moved the car slowly to the side and we parked there for a while until we decided to trek to the gas station. At least there, there was a rest room, and a convenient store. We could wait the rain out there.

We stayed and talked for about an hour and watched the ebb and flow as the rain poured, stopped, traffic came and went, and more and more people came by, with folded pants, a ruined umbrella and a full bladder. We sat cozily in that shop.

The rain let up a bit, and the road was clear. My dad got the car and quickly brought it to the station, and we filled it up...to just enough.

After we ate, we headed on our way, taking the Cubao route. We passed EDSA and the smell of victory was near...or so we thought.

Right in front of Mayor Belmonte's house, just a few meters away from where we could turn...was the biggest swimming pool I saw today.

We ended up going back to EDSA and going via Kamuning. And it was smooth sailing from there.

We got home, a trip that began at 8 am, to 4pm, drenched, wet, tired, but home. It was as if I had a whole day class.

We unloaded the groceries, ate dinner, dried up, and now I am typing using Saiya, who is safe and dry (her sleeve is another story ), checking all the other techie gadgets in my bag and making sure they're all working properly, and drying out all my papers and readings. My Tranformers book is half-drenched, my papers, looking dog-eared as if they were five years old, and my bag the remnants of a battle of moisture and protection. It served me well, and I look forward to using it again.

As I sit here, warm, back to the comfort of my home, and I watch as people are still heading home at this hour on TV, I am glad that God showed us the paths we had to take, and the decisions we had to make,to get us safely home.

Here were the small miracles that happened today:

1. My brother, Miji, wanted to come originally. We all thought it would be just a trip to school and back. I was glad he didn't come, otherwise he would have been with us, and I wouldn't want him to get any wet, nor feel uncomfortable during the whole trip.

2. I originally was going home on my own, taking gate one to grab a cab heading out to Philcoa then Quezon Ave. Buti na lang I made those calls with my mom. It was a traffic there as anywhere else.

3. My bag, with all it's stuff, got wet. But the laptop was bone dry.

4. my phone was working the whole time I stood there in katipunan waiting for mom and dad. When I checked it this evening, it hung. I decided to turn it off. Now it won't even open. And I wonder, what if that happened in the middle of my phonecalls?

5. THe money I had in my wallet was just enough for a little lunch and gas. and we were both full and we got home with, just enough.

I actually wondered why I even went to school today, because I felt that all that traffic hulabaloo could have been avoided if I decided to stay home. But like the incident with the advisement, I just sighed and said.

Lord, I don't know why you made me and family experience what we just did today. I am thankful that you allowed them to pick me up. I know that you guided us safely home and that you helped us get gas at the right time, and turn to the right streets. You have showed me miracles today and I am glad that you are always there to watch over us. For now, please watch over everyone who are still out, especially the pedestrians who are caught in the rain, and for the people who are flooded,like Cherry. I know that this is a trial you are letting us face, and I know that you will help us through it. Thank you Lord for the miracles and blessing of this day.

and with that, I say good night.

Mara out~

I expected today to be a normal day, full of laughing and reminiscing and plain being young again. I was wrong.

To start of, I had to meet with datenshiaoi in ADMU for her inquiry. The blue-green bacteria is thinking of shifting schools. I had to get my homework anyway so it was okay. XP

We chilled in the Canteen and waited for sakurabaka to arrive for her lunch break and we discussed some serious stuff going on. We told Cherry that we would meet her in Trinoma after her class with magiqa and milk_monger . She said she will follow.

Renchan and I chilled in this lounge place and talked about stuff, things we already discussed before and wanted to dwell in and to share things about college that we weren't able to say because at that time we were so uber busy with everything else. We got a text from nesan and we met them in Coffee Bean and talked some more until Cherry came.

We needed those fruity alcoholic drinks, so Renchan suggested Italianni's for said drink and a round of pizza and pasta. We were laughing again after being stuffed and slightly drunk. and I start to think...

We're grown up now, no longer little kids worried about the next quiz or what mom will say when I ask if I could stay late in school tomorrow. We complained about work, life and how ours does not seem to be going our way. We have evolved from our happy lala-lifes into living in a world we don't want, yet have to exist in.

We don't forget our past though. Maybe that's why we can still smile even after our frustrations and purr against a friend's loving hand on your head.

I may be evil at times and I'm sorry. I may be uncaring at times, and I'm sorry. But I don't forget, and I love you all, and I will find a way to set things right. If all I can do is pray, then that's what I'll do, but I know in the end, our lala-lifes, with our gorgeous husbands and children a-plenty and melrose place-ish lifestyle will come soon, a little realistic, probably a little warped, but it will come.

We're all waiting here. We just have to wait patiently in line.:)

I've been cleaning out my closet lately, getting rid of clothes I don't wear and other bits and pieces that take up space. I am a bit of a monger so yeah, I keep a lot of stuff, from way way waaaaaay back.

I already disposed of My College stuff, and for some reason, after four years, it was easy to let go of them. Probably because there were things I wanted to forget that are associated to that time, or probably it didn't make any significant memory that would make me keep things I generally don't need.

This afternoon I tackled the small space in my cabinet where my old mangas are kept. These are mangas that are Chinese translated since that was a time when Japanese manga was a myth in this country and mangas were only 200pesos and can be bought in a book sale in my grocery store. I brought out an envelope that I knew held a lot of my drawings from high school. I guess it was time to get rid of them. I managed to throw all my Magnificat magazines, only saving articles, poems, pictures of MIKKAELA and pasting them in my slumbook. We looked so happy and carefree then.

I went through my old drawings, half wanting to shut it because I was embarrassed at the way my drawings were, and the contents of the speech balloon, like how datenshiaoi  and I would fight over Mamoru Chiba of Sailor Moon and how even then, I saw my fascination with scars, blood and anything related to morbidity. I drew pictures of myself and my version of Mamoru or Sapphire, the evil brother of Prince Diamond in the Sailormoon R series. I know for a fact that until now, I have a son by Mamoru Sapphire and, inventing some sort of advanced space-time continuum in that planet, grew my son to 18 years old considering he was born in my mind  some ten years ago.

I also saw a lot of Drawings that I asked for/stole borrowed from people, like KalQ who had this obsession with an unknown anime character she saw on a Chinese channel and thus called him DG, and taisa_ayase  with her "It's called Love" Gwing fanfic which thus founded my lala-land of blond arabians, a house in the desert, and three adorable kids. This my friends, is called an obsession.

It's funny too that I started writing songs then. I realized now, part of who I am started in High School, and the other part in College. I'm currently forming the third part, and I hope these three parts can still work together to make me a happy me.

I smile when I remember, and as I throw some of the drawings away, I ask myself: "Is my throwing away of these papers mean I'm throwing away my past?" and I remember Meet the Robinsons: "Let go of the past and keep moving forward."

I can never get back to those carefree days and fanfic writing where the possibilities were endless and so were the phone conversations. but I also look forward to what I might find as I keep going. So far the ride is fine, and I don't see any reason why I need to stop.

I'm not throwing my past away. I'm keeping some, to remember, and I'm throwing away some, to make room for more stuff I might pick up along the way. I know you people who can read this are one of them.:)

Disclaimer: Does not own GundamWing, Heero Yuy or Haro, or Chocobos

( Fanfic no. 8 )

In a post I made regarding my purchase and reading pleasure of Arnold Arre's Martial Law Babies, I focused more on the aspects of refusing to grow up in a world that wishes to grow eternal with it's workers wishing they never wished they grew up so fast. I read it again today, after being on my re-read list for weeks. I always re-read books, hoping that I would come across something I never saw on my initial read. Probably a character I missed, a concept I forgot, a memory reborn. Books are fragments of people's memories capture in print. All of them hold something dear to both the reader and the author.

They also make me cry. My 9/11 comic always makes me cry. I don't know those people, didn't even believe it when it happened and only watched it on the news, the only time I remember that Miriam brought out TVs in the cafeteria.

So I read the graphic novel again and a spark of emotion emerged.

My age then, high school, young, flourishing, discovering what I wanted to be, and planning my route to get there was a scary yet exciting feat. I never realized that the road I chose then would take me here, happy, content, loving boys I never thought I could touch and have a hand at shaping their future. I am proud that I can teach such wonderful leaders of our future.

Then I wonder, as I observe how they move, that these boys, at an early age, know the meaning of faithfulness. They share secrets with friends, hold a bond that even the teachers can't undo and despite far-away classrooms and age gaps, they make friends, forge ideals and make their parents proud. Faithfulness, not loyalty. I had a heart to heart talk with my ninong who came home from the states and stayed here for the past two weeks. Here's a man who comes home to his roots, basking in the light of old memories and family, but tells me that there is no such thing as loyalty, and that if a company were to lay me off, it will not matter of the loyalty I gave it for the past years of my service. I don't think it's called loyalty. I think it's called Faith.

The same faith that keeps me here in the Philippines, amidst corrupt government officials, capitalistic marketeers, realistic societies and dreary living conditions.  In the end of it all, we smile, thank god that we have a Philippines and move on, brushing up on history, avoiding our past mistakes and learning from them, making sure that we teach the young to reach their goals, but reminding them that in life we share what we have, and we can make it good by believing in God and honoring him for his works. It is faith in my country and in my people that I can stay here, and honor my homeland. I am Filipino.

A blogpost on being Filipino yet speaking in english? What are you playing at?

True, I speak English. Our food is Mcdo. Our malls are run by the Chinese and Spanish. Our cartoons are Japanese. But even as it is so, it does not stop us from being who we are as individuals, the blood that flows in us that enkindles us to speak up during elections, pick up a piece of trash or two on our streets, remind the jeepney driver that he owes us our change, to laugh at the entities of floods and school on a storm day. These things, these "only in the Philippines" things are what shape us to become Filipinos.

And you can't find those anywhere else in the world.

I am naturally an aloof person, bordering on suplada and antipatika. That's the general impression of first timers when they meet me. Though I often get the surprised notions like "glad you're my friend" and "why don't you have a boyfriend?" that makes me think that my friends know more about me than I do.

Well here's one thing that I'm still muddling about in...coming face to face with the past.

I never really had success in that department. Take Lily and I. Our friendship never existed as to date and when the subject of her and coming face to face with her or talking to her on the phone is something that I dread happening. What do I do? What do I say? Do I act like I don't care? Should I be overly happy? I don't really know.

The same goes with W. What do I do? What do I say? Do I act like I don't care? Should I be overly happy?

In my la la land, I can face him with all the confidence that I naturally have. But here, in the world that beats and hurts...

I cannot. I can't even look at him.

I can talk naturally to the people around him though.

Of course, I'm wondering if people can really see right through me with this.

That I'm just a scared little girl afraid to be loved.

Yep, I need my affirmation pills again.

Alright here goes. and to answer your question, yes, it's almost Red moon day for me so shush.:P

I went out withdark_profanity  today to Ateneo for stuff. It was a quick matter so we were able to finish around 2 pm then head home.

I've been getting "the vibe" again since I left Bicol. It all began with

*car conversation involving a certain cousin who was being paired off with a relative's relative*

The conversation went, one of my cousins attended some gathering and one of the relatives of someone saw her and asked if she could come to the next day's Villa Escudero outing. They had balikbayans home. She went.

defense #1: I had work that day, so whether or not they invited I couldn't go.

Clincher: I have a far closer relation (1st cousin status compared to her 2nd cousin status) to the relative involved. Why was I pushed away?

*car conversation involving another cousin who, upon seeing her picture, gets a "ang ganda naman ng apo mo" comment*

defense #2: Beauty is only skin deep, as I constantly remind myself.

All that self-affirmation always works, but of course, I need a little boost from outside forces too you know.

that's why Poldo stays put as my shopping buddy! :P

anyway, in light of those two drama-worthy scenes, I ignored the rising feelings completely. then this afternoon, around 6pm...

*read a plurk and somewhat gets reminded of her own past.*

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel that my feelings, though insignificant to a lot of people, are not worthy of a cup of coffee, late night crying sessions and other things girl bonding is all about. I always ask my mom why people don't seem to think that my feelings matter or that I also want to feel that the world is giving me a hug. I feel that I'm alone with my problems.

She just says:

"That's because we know kaya mo yan."

But sometimes I also want to feel that I'm worth something.

I keep asking Poldo if what I am doing is right, because I notice that people who don' give a damn and screw life here and there seem to be getting ahead in life, ahead of me, considering I followed all the things needed to do to set the mood for a good/imperfect but happy life.

I keep thinking that somewhere down the line, I probably did something wrong and I'm clutching at straws just figuring out where.

Despite the constant  "you're doing good"s. Why does it not seem to be doing good?

Of course, I'm could be looking at a completely different aspect in life and choose to ignore all te rest, and as i write this, I recall all the other good things that do happen to me. It just escalates ten fold when red moon day draws near.

you're doing good mara. You're doing good.

I sat in my empty room after exams, minding my own business, dreading the two hundred papers I had to check this week. All the boys have left and they were on their way to finish one more day before saying goodbye to this school year and hello summer vacation. I for one am looking forward to the same thing. We have a family outing planned and being in my third and final year as a probationary, I was looking forward to getting my summer vacation...with pay.

I sat down, ready to check, pen in hand when the door opened.

"Yes Chad, why are you still here? Shouldn't you be at home studying?"

"Yes teacher, but I wanted to ask you something before I went home."

I dropped my pen on the table and looked at him. This small thin boy of mine.

"Alright, what is it?"

"If I am gone, would you think of me?"

"What? As in when you go on vacation?"

"Something like that"

I smiled.

"Well, I will miss all the times we had this year. Like all the hairs I lost because of you guys. And all the sweet moments. I'll feel empty during the summer months, but then I'll remember that I will see you again next year, and I will also have a new set of students for next year."

Chad looked at me. He smiled.

"Will you really think of me teacher?"

"Of course Chad, I will always think of you. But of course I am also forgetful, I forget things, so don't get angry if I forget your name. But I'll remember that for one moment, I shared something special with you."

Chad started walking towards the door. "Okay teacher. I'll be going now. See you around."

"I'll still see you tomorrow. You still have Math exams. Study well okay?"

"I will teacher."

And he left.

These are those rare moments you experience and will cherish in your heart.

But I needed to get back to work. Papers don't check themselves.

I was ready....

My phone rang.

"Hello?"

And my world stopped.

END
---------------------------------------------------------------------

In loving memory of Giuseppe Franco

1998-2009

As I headed home with Adelle yesterday, I was discussing something with her that made me realize, after all these years, I still my scrupulous
streak

Definition:

scrupulous- having scruples; having or showing a strict regard for what one considers right; principled.

in a nutshell it means that when I do something that I feel is wrong, I tend to make up for it by going into hiatus and...fine, I'll use the word "punish" myself for my actions. I was like that in College. I got home late one time (with Mao ni in tow) and though my mom didn't get angry at me, I decided not to go to Ayleen's party the following day. Then there was the time that I got caught by the cops with W iin a car parked in some deserted street somewhere near my house. I cried all night and told him "We are never doing that again" XP

Now, I'm doing the same thing but with less er, brutality. If I gain a pound or two because I didn't follow my supposed one-month mcdo plan, I make sure I ignore the evil arches completely for the next month. It usually fails but I don't beat myself silly because of it anymore.

I stay away from things that can generally hurt me.
 

But last night, as I was talking to Addy, i realized that i am reverting back to my own ways. I qoute my fanfic 7: Key and Doors.

Finally the third man, the most mysterious. he is not a living thing, not an existence. but he is there, standing at the gates, determined to enter no matter what.

He has the key, he slips it in.

He turns.

It clicks.

Victorious, he pulls it open, only to feel it shut tight.

on the other side of the walls, is the lady, holding the door in, weeping.

She needs to remind herself that this man, so bent on seeing her, is not real. She made him, to satisfy her loss.

I've been feeling this for sometime now, and I don't care if he can see this LJ (last I checked, he doesn't go here anymore) and use it to play with my feelings. I'm saying this so that amidst all the advice that I might get, one of them might be something I'll actually listen to without feeling threatened.

I love the guy. The only reason why my love was, shall we say, distracted, was because I met W and we had a great time. But to set the record straight, I love W like anything. It was a great thing to happen in my life. I miss it greatly but I need to move on for my own sake. 

Back to M, I know, I can see the shaking head and the air of resignation from friends. I know, he's an ass, a pervert and I will only get hurt chuvaness. But when I'm with him, even for a short time, I feel happy. this is not the happy happy that i feel when i had an ordinary thank-god-nobody-got-hurt day. this is the extremely happy. the kind of happy that you smile for no reason, and you wish your lips could stretch further to let the world feel your joy. I haven't felt that since W. and it always felt like the time of my life.

I can term it, short term happiness but I really like it. It's such a wonderful feeling, to actually know that your heart still has the capacity to fall in love, despite my skepticism and all out I-can-take-you-boy-on-who-wants-some get go attitude I usually have.

You might be saying, "You just probably don't hang out around men long enough" I reflected and said, no. that's not the reason. There are men in my work place and they don't fit my preferences. Plus the fact that they're all macho "I'm the man of this faculty room" that I really put my foot down and tell them that no, I don't care if you have balls because I can take those out of you. Plus, I've been hanging out with Poldo for months now, and I don't feel any chemistry at all, asides from the fact that we play really mean shooting games, watch the same movies and laugh at the same jokes and just plain have fun.

Feminist I know, blame Miriam. XP

I have many guy friends and they're all okay. I can't wait for the guyfriend to show up already.

But back to M, I also need to remind myself that no Mara, don't make the mistake of falling for him because you know just what to expect. I don't think I'll be able to handle another heartbreak soon. i was talking to adelle about it and heck, it's really tearing me up. I'm extremely happy with him yet I can't show him (though he obviously knows) and I need to remind myself that for the love of God, don't ever admit that you like him nor allow him to advance to anything more than friends.

I feel I'll be eating these words soon. Pray not. I'm not a fan of sad endings

Well obviously my emotional maturity is stunted. I still don't know how to handle my feelings.

mara out~


 

You have been warned...

So I went to work today in the best Casual "Sex and the City" outfit I could deem wearable and non-prohibiting to school personnel. I wore the Thai colored blouse my tita gave me, new loop earrings from mom, new apple green er, apple bag from me and pumps by me (and evil magiqa ) to school. I wore the pumps when i got there. travelled in slippers.

So yes, I was the hottest ba---er, teacher in the audience. Too bad they were all grown men (alumni homecoming) and those who even bothered to go to mass were in that school in 69..... I wasn't even born in heaven yet!

Anyway, mass done, everyone got ready to go home. I grabbed my stuff at the faculty room, changed my shoes and left as well.

As I waited for a cab, I pondered on why I was hailing a cab heading for home and not out, with friends, drinking and having fun like any single girl would on a Saturday night. I was making hints like anything at people in my phonebook and since my single-buddy aka poldo lost his phone, I couldn't drag him or anyone out, not even for a cup of tea....while I check test papers.XP

I felt bad, wished that I was still taken, and longed to be out with someone who would actually care that I looked hot that night because I wanted to. I felt lonely to think that instead of writing this post, I should be in eastwood, ordering dinner or deciding where to order with girl-friends who were also ready for a night of fun. I also reflected on the friends that I currently have.

I have work friends, most of them married, so I can't expect them to join in on my quest to snag a boy, and even if they weren't, considered movies, lunch, shopping, the whole "daytime not for vampires" thing the highlight of the day (not that I don't enjoy it either). and personally, they like, "generic pinoy men". I don't. I have college friends, whose lifestyle is something I can't quite follow, because my schedule hates them and they're so get-up-and-go it makes me question why I'm still working in a traditional school. And there are the HS friends, who require a week or two in advance to plan the said event. Not that I'm complaining. I need the group that can go out (at night) at a moment's notice, and not quite care that I need to go because seriously, I need to go. I want to be with those who aren't in control, so I can end up controlling my own time and not have to worry about what they think. That kind of group is actually the Kamuning People, and like I said, is phoneless and sorta-can't-be-too-chummy-just-in-case-one-runs-into-one's-ex-anytime-soon people. *sigh* Because of this, I questioned myself.

What do people think of me as a friend? Sure, I admit I'm suplada, uncaring, snobby at first sight, and yes, I play DDR, wear casual as my casual, bring a DS instead of a comb and considers DDR the highlight of any shopping spree. I am bossy, sometimes bratty, talks about anime, games and the evil that is the world. I plan hienous crimes of world domination that involves a new comic, technology that has never been invented yet, and how my MA is killing me. I argue that my style is not the world's style and that they can look all they want they can't pull off what I do, and that yes, I spend my hard-earned money on the new calvin and hobbes, WEWY or new DS game, a little on clothes and on my students because despite their little horns I love them so.

I know people don't think of me as a women. Just don't treat me like an alien. or a stranger.

hmmm, I've always wondered about myself and how I fare out as a friend. I know I've been somewhat evil, unfair, one of those "you call yourself a friend?!" friend, yet as I assess why i do what I do, I always come to the conclusion that since my life is generally unboring and slightly bombarded with pain and panic (panic goes with homework due in a week btw), my decisions seem valid.

So, why do I feel like for every decision I make, it is completely, if not really, opposite to the general consensus of friends? They all agree in one thing, I, with all my power disagree. I notice that when I decide that this is the stand I will take, despite the rebuttal I get from friends, I still don't get how their stand is valid. Upon close reflection and a little advice from mom, I also noticed that its only with one set of friends and not the other.

if I were to meet  all my friends at the same time, would the see me differently? do I turn schizo and act one way to friends set A and another way to friends set B and even more with friends set C? Am I a pleaser, who actually does not agree, but shrugs and says "bahala ka" to avoid conflicts? Which part of my personality is actually the real me, and will my friends accept the real me?

I see a great woman who seems to be doing well in whatever she's doing, but even after all these years, I'm still so anti-social.XP

or patience. Either way. Anyway...

I remember that night from a long time ago. I said to him. "Malapit na ako mag-graduate." I saw so many beginnings at the moment of my freedom.

He asked me. "If I wait, will you give it to me?"

I still said no, because at that moment, I knew I wasn't ready.

People always claim that good things will begin at marriage, graduation, promotions, moving to a new place, change of career and other stuff. What I wonder is that is it a crime to think that you can achieve the said good things only when you reach these crossroads?

I thought that way, because I felt, there would be somethings I would be able to do way better or with more leniency when I get there. I was only a few months away. Let's just waid I said. As you would obviously guess, he didn't wait, and normal people wouldn't wait for the sake of a person's assurance on time.

I know we shouldn't place our hopes on something that may or may not happen, but in terms of giving yourself a deadline for something, can't that serve as your springboard to something better?

People set conditions based on what they think is plausible and valid, but not everyone sees it that way.They think it's an excuse to lag longer. Why is one's patience longer than others, and if so, who is right? the one who gives in and makes quick decisions, or the one who waits to see the whole picture?

T_T

I'm a "If it isn't broken, don't fix it" kind of lady. When work seems to be satifactory and life is good, I am content with whatever it has to give me. So i don't like it when i get notions like "Do i imagine being in my work place in my later years?" and start to wonder what indeed do i want to do in the next year at the least?

I'm happy with the now. Sure, I save, I think ahead and I consult, but actually thinking way ahead and making big decisions are some things i like to stay away from. I do realize that i think life right now is incomplete and I'm shrinking into the despair phase. Is this the quarter-life crisis iv'e been hearing about from friends? Personally i want some change, but im just too chicken to face it when it arrive.

entere Mara, 23 years old, three years in the same work place, salary is just suited for her and only her, free time is just perfect for crazy costripping and photoshoots. Now she's thinking ahead.

I don't like being in the bandwagon but i end up making decisions when i realize that im being left behind by other people. drastic decisions often lead to ugly ends so i like thinking big decisions wisely. I would often times blame this melancholic life to my break up, but that would be unfair for myself and him. But really, Mara is a crazy woman who thinks that all hell is because and started because of that fateful night. Her saner side usually tells her to shut up about that crap but being as emotional as a ten year old it takes a while.

 I talk to a lot of people my age or within the same lifestyle and preferences (at work anyway) and most of them are already resigned and are just waiting for the go signal for abroad. Again with the USA thing. I DONT WANT TO GO THERE, but i might be eating those words soon enough. I'd rather be a jet setter, working for a magazine or an event organizer or party planner. Maybe a change in occupation would do me good. 


I need to put my goals down in writing. I realize that I don't have any. I stopped at the graduate and get a job part and didnt grow on that one. At least I'm shaping my MA up. That is a good pick me upper.but i need to put a time limit. I need to make my decision as soon as i can so i can move quickly.

so here it is.

I'll probably stay at my present work until my brother graduates so i can avail of the tuition fee discount. By then i should be done with my MA. I would then find either another job doing something else in this metropolis or swallow my gut and my pride and apply for a teaching job abroad. Teaching in my later years? I'm only in my third year and already i feel the burn-out. I really don't want that. Promotions in this job take years. I don't think im willing to wait that long.

I also dont do so well with matriarchal advice. Although another person would probably say the exact same thing and I would agree, when it comes to mom, any "advice" she gives border on encroaching on my decisions hence the defensive move and blah. Im just like him when it comes to being told what to do. We're both afraid to admit that out parents know what to do and we aren't able to grasp it yet. 

I also could...blame my period. But i need to think about this anyway.

Alright, something that hasn't been bothering me for a while (thankfully), but finally emerged from somewhere deep inside me.

I'm angry at him again. 

I saw him this morning, when my stupid driver tried to bring me around in circles from my place to Kamuning. I know you guys hate it when passengers send you in circles so I don't think you were lost because you didn't know the way. *grumbles*

He was sitting on the corner talking to someone and smoking. Well, I only had seconds to realize before my cab sped off so, there was no contact. I doubt he saw me.

So after a hectic morning of rushing to pass my papers at Ateneo before twelve, I did a lean-against-the-wall-very-tired-from-cramming move and breathed, then rushed out to grab a cab to do the rush-to-the-atm-to-grab-some-cash-for-lunch-before-time-in move and once again rushed into that wintry faculty room and just plopping my stuff on the bench and gulping down my food before dressing up for the baccaulareate mass. Man, i am so not wearing those killer shoes again, and i don't care if they look sexy! my feet died today because of those stillettos and im not one to relive painful truths. Which brings us back to my opening statment and the second paragraph of this post.

Right in the middle of the mass, i heard it whispering inside my head.

"Who cares about that idiot? He doesn't care for you, why should you offer your kindess to that asswipe? Stop thinkng about him and putting meaning into every insignificant link between the two of you. There's no two of you. There's just you, and you better deal with it."

My fists were clenching and it went on until i finished the commencement ceremonies. I was punching the bars in the jeep to vent it out and singing second to Kryptonite by Three Doors Down on my Muvo. I knew my brows were crossed as usual (my defensive stance when i take the jeep) but i knew it wasn't because i it was late and i decided to take the jeep instead of just cab home. i was hoping someone would text me for some happening before i got home. no one did.

I began to wonder if i will forever be single. My angsty and upset persona (that's Alex Striker) would begin the litany of me never finding him and just growing old alone and upset. I wonder if there's something wrong with me that make men in general not think of me as girlfriend material, that my being me will render me completely single until the day i day; that my DDR playing and GWing obsessions and crazy moments are not acceptable for women looking for a partner.

I look at my friends (crazy yaoi loving friends that they are, like me XP) who have lost and found love again. Maybe I'm jealous, maybe i just want the intimacy i don't know, but i guess it's also my fault that people don't come to me. because i have a wall up because i dont want to get hurt again. everyone has experienced hurt, but i seem to be taking longer than usual to put it down.

hanggang tingin na lang ako. hanggang ngiti na lang ako. Hanggang ganun na lang ba ako?

I shouldn't be angry at him. I just want to be friendly and decent with him.

But i guess im just a lady that isnt given a second thought because im not worth it.

T_T 

nesan magiqahas finally joined the club of PS2 users, finally got snatched into the KH obsession. she mentioned that it's been taking up most of her time, and i agree. X3

so for everyone's enjoyment, here is a little extra regarding the life that is Amber Victorian. Her very first RPG.

please be warned: I wrote this some two years ago right after *insert insane MAra-esque moments during her final college days* you get the idea. X3. take this fanfic with a grain of salt and a hint of criticism.


and if you (HS friends) notice, Amber's personality is completely different here. :)
Thankies for reading.

or valentines, whichever you like. :)

anyway, i noticed that most people like to follow a certain somewhat given, steps as you progress through life. maybe not steps exactly, but a to-do list. and completing this list ensures, slightly, a nice fulfilling life.

so basically, natural instincts when you were a child are a given, learn to tie your shoes, ride your first bike, eat an oreo cookie, the works.

then you start studying, so of course, you better finish grade school to high school at least.

in high school begins the brush of love, be it with boys, existent or not, and maybe girls.

when you get to college, out the window goes the teaching you had since grade school that sex is strictly for marriage. well, not all, but some. 

so you graduate and start job hunting and nailing it. 

thus the slightly mediocre life of a yuppie. 

then you wonder if this is it. if this is the cold harsh life you will have to get by until the day you die.

by this time you think of making the next step. having a family.

most people follow this trend. those who choose not to aren't crazy or stupid, they probably didnt find that special person they want to spend their life with.

of course kids and other famliy matters follow suit.

but since im at the doorstep to the marriage part,i'll stop here.

marriage is a little over rated i guess. it makes those who choose to stay single feel that something's wrong with them. :P