The Nutty Chocobo Farm

You know what went on in my mind when they called my name and acknowledged me as the new coordinator of my department?

It was the same thing I thought of right after I graduated eight years ago.

And just like I told myself when I looked up that March evening...

I could have gone home...

I could have gone somewhere...

I could have met you and shared my glory with you...

But just like with Wesley...

I can't...

How I wish I could...

But I can't...

I wish you were right there with me....

My achievement,

But I'm sorry that I can't share it with you any longer.

I'm sorry.

How I wish you were right here with me.

Fear is what stops love from happening.

Pride is what stops love from happening.

A person living with fear will have a hard time connecting with people

A person living with pride will have a hard time connecting with people

A person who wants to talk to a person with pride will require strength

A person who wants to talk to a person with fear will require humility

A person with humility has no fear

A person with strength has no fear

I had hoped that you would be the one to find me, to search for me, to initiate talks....

This is all I can say about this......

:(

M: *runs around room flailing at midnight*

T: *watches her flit about, sipping his tea*

M: *jumps the couch and sit beside THomas, smiling* Watcha doing?

T: *silently sips tea* having my tea before going to bed. I'm tired. If you're still hyper I'll go ahead.

M: *looks at him upside down, head on the couch and legs hanging over the couch* Wah! Killjoy.

T: *gets up and leaves* Close the lights when you're done.

M: *mouth agape* You're mean!

T: *yawns sleepily* No, I'm sleepy. That movie was good, and exciting, but body says it's sleepy. Good night darling.

M: *pouts* Meh.

Reads old plurks during RP session with Vica and Jeme and comes across one comment she posted.

Mara: They're just feels. They won't hurt you. :P

December Mara: YOU LIAR!!! YOU BIG FAT LIAR!!!!!
*runs around in sweet mental and emotional chaos*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~`\\o

As I look at it half-buried in sand, the tears cloud my eyes.

I see you.

I want you.

I had you.

And I lost you.

I brush the tears away in frustration, wondering just WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.

I want to bleed because that's what I feel. Pain.

I want to hurt, because I am hurting.

I want to yell, scream and shout, because I feel my words are falling on deaf ears.

And I want to kill my feelings, because I don't want to feel anymore.

I don't want to hate you anymore.

I don't want to love you anymore.

I don't want to give you a second chance anymore.

I don't want time to remind me of the hurt and the anger.

I bottle it all up, never to show it, because it matters not that I cried. It mattered not that I wanted you to come get me.

You didn't.

True, I should be able to save myself.

But maybe I was just waiting for you to show me just how much I mattered to you.

Aunt Irma or not, this is real.

It was always real.

I may not love you romantically, save that for your lover.

I love you still.

I wait still, hoping one day, a day I still remember hope, that you will be back.

And things will be back, as if the dark cloud never came to swallow us both.

I took you out because I didn't want to see any more things that will only hate you more.

I am happy you are happy, but I will be honest. I also want to be a part of that happiness.

In my prayers I pray I find peace, and find the reason behind why I cared about you.

I pray that I can look back at this and laugh someday, realizing just how immature this whole thing was.

But right now, I am still in pain, I don't care if it's been months.

I have been hurt

And for that, I will cry and whine and wail about it.

While talking to a co-teacher and waiting for more people to arrive, we began discussing the men I like/liked. I realized something during the course of the conversation.

1. I started with Chinese boys because those were what I saw back in College. College Archer basketball heartthrob Joseph Yeo, Dominic. They were those who were around often within my experiential globe hence were those I typed.

2. When I got my boyfriend, I already loved Josh Groban, but I guess my love for the singer intensified since the then-boyfriend looked like him. My love for Josh still remains and his hair isn't kinky-curly anymore thank goodness.

3. Now with Thomas, he's not really attractive, and seriously, I don't like men who grow their facial hair. I guess the reason behind the attraction would be because he seems like a stable guy who knows what he wants and where he's going. He's the type who will settle down when he has the chance....I think.XD

So at first it was looks, then it was affiliation, now it's social status...swell Mara, your taste in men has evolved albeit badly. XD

Mara out...

A change of plans
A change of drills
A change to make everything right

A chance to change
A chance to transform
A chance to fix things upright

You change your skin in the hopes of redemption
In the hopes that no one will recognize your face
You change your skin for a new look
Hoping it will bring about a new you

You reform, you convert
You modify, you morph
You change, you illusion
You create a new you

It may be kind, it may be wise
It may scandalize
it will change mindsets
mindsets of you

Let them learn, let them adjust
Let them explore, learn to trust
Let them see you for who you really are
and judge who your real friends are

Change your skin from time to time
Shed the weight from your shoulders
They will create a mask of your undoing and redoing
And they will shroud the world you live in

I just got home from work. I missed a weekend of my usual routine. Things happened without me because I chose to do my job over what I wanted to do.

Now I understand what the seniors meant when they said that in most cases, teachers will make friends with teachers

The same way call center agents make friends with call center agents.

We're not like you.

We have a very different schedule.

We can't act adult when we want to because we have to play adult and show them that authority and respect come with being one.

We can't cope with your schedule because we're awake before you are and asleep before you do.

We like the simple things likes storybooks and cartoons and craft paper because we find it cute and can foresee where it looks best inside the classroom.

We want to chill, act nasty and mean during off-hours because that's the only time we can take off the mask we wear from morning until dismissal.

We choose to stay home because we work more. I don't know why or how but we do.

We prefer quiet coffee shops to discos and bars because it's bad enough that we get that kind of chaos everyday with our little ones.

We swear a lot, or are scandalized by it, because we conflict between men/women and teacher constantly.

We are always on our toes because we never know who we're going to bump into at the mall.

So for the friends who choose to befriend the teacher, accept their quirks, their gripes, their crazy schedule filled with sleep.

They want to be with you.

But they also know,

that they need to be with the kids.

Don't give up on us

The way we don't give up on you.